Author's note: The song is Feel For You by Nightwish.

      You were my first love
      The earth moving under me
      Bedroom scent, beauty ardent
      Distant shiver, heaven sent

Squall hadn’t been prepared for how that first junction would make him feel. Afterwards, he doubted he could have been. The Guardian Force had reached deep into his mind, erasing memories to make room for herself. It should have made him feel violated.

Should have.

Instead, he was relieved by the loss, welcomed the ice queen and her numbing cold. Gratitude lingered as the reason for it faded from his mind.

He could feel her surprise, knew that she had expected a struggle, but he didn’t want to fight. He had enough of that during classes and with Seifer. Squall wanted an ally, not an enemy or a servant. Shiva’s acceptance was the most comfort he’d felt in years, and it made her dearer to him than anyone since the sister he no longer remembered.

The first summoning left him in awe.

Ice crystals erupting from the earth, shattering to reveal the goddess. Long blond hair a perfect contrast to pale blue skin, eyes glowing with power. Squall couldn’t imagine how she’d ever been trapped into human service. She was beautiful, exquisite… Desirable.

It startled him, how he responded to the sight of her. No one at Garden – male or female – had stirred him in a manner remotely sexual. But Shiva did, and he couldn’t find it in himself to mind.

      I’m the snow of your lips
      The freezing taste, the silvery sip
      I’m the breath on your hair
      The endless nightmare, devil’s lair

It wasn’t the first time someone had touched their mind to her. Shiva was not a newly captured Guardian Force, and she had learned how to make the junction painful for the human who dared to control her. Most never junctioned her again when they realized how much of their memories she’d taken from them.

Squall was different.

He let her settle where she chose, didn’t fight her ruthless invasion, even thanked her for taking his memories. He didn’t mind the chill of her presence, didn’t try to subdue her. He offered her partnership, friendship – something she’d never considered possible between human and Guardian. He was strong, could have defeated her, and he chose not to.

Somehow, the warmth that followed Shiva’s agreement didn’t hurt. The triumph of her conquerors had always burned, washing scalding hot through her. Squall’s relief was a mild, gentle warmth that she found pleasant rather than threatening or painful.

She enjoyed his mind, was comfortable with the similarities between them. As calm and collected as she, Squall was not given to fits of temper or easily ruled by the emotions that her previous junctions had flooded her with. She allowed him a deeper connection than she had ever thought of giving anyone else, and she could feel the changes it wrought in her companion. His body cooled, he became averse to hot food and drink, withdrew from people but found joy in simple snowfalls and the frost that sometimes covered his hair while he slept.

For the first time, Shiva wanted to make someone happy. She made snow swirl even when there was no wind, frosted windows and objects in Squall’s dorm so he could admire the fragile beauty of their complex patterns. She fought harder for him than she’d once done for her freedom and made certain that no one else approached him, because once she’d felt his admiration of her, she wished to keep it as her own.

She wanted him happy, but she was still a Guardian and she did not share.

      Only so many times
      I can say I long for you
      The lily among the thorns
      The prey among the wolves

She followed him everywhere, an unwavering presence that Squall knew he had done nothing to deserve. He would have loved her for that companionship and their easy camaraderie, even if she had not been beautiful. He would have been quite content to love her with no more than friendship in return.

But she felt he was worth loving.

Squall sometimes wondered if that was her one flaw, her only mistake. Other times, he simply reveled in the feeling of her being wrapped around his mind, sank into the cold that made everything around him meaningless.

The summonings always made him ache with longing; longing to hold her in his arms, longing to feel her solid and real against him.

Shiva looked so breakable, an elfin creature as fragile as the frost she decorated his room with. Too fragile to bear his touch.

She was a contradiction; delicate and powerful, giving and selfish, loving and cruel.

She was all that mattered, all he wanted.

      Someday I will feed a snake
      Drink her venom, stay awake
      In time all pain will fade
      Through your memory I will wade

Seifer’s decision to join the sorceress cut deep. Not because Shiva cared what the man did – she had no reason to – but because Squall did care. Cared far too much for Shiva’s comfort.

Even while the war raged around them, while he turned his focus on how to defeat Ultimecia, there was always a nagging worry at the edge of his mind for Seifer’s well being. He spent more time trying to find a way to save Seifer than he did thinking about her, and Shiva was furious at him for caring that deeply for the idiot.

More than that, she was hurt.

In retaliation, she pulled away from him, allowing their connection to weaken to an ordinary junction. She still fought, but she did not speak to Squall or try to make him feel better even when nightmares made it impossible for him to sleep.

She was jealous, and she wouldn’t forgive him until he begged her to take him back into her good graces. She was a Guardian, and she would not be trifled with.

As always, Squall didn’t react the way she expected him to.

He seemed untroubled by her withdrawal and sought the company of the new sorceress, Rinoa. At times Shiva wondered if it was because of the girl’s connection to Seifer, for she could see nothing that might attract her chosen one. Squall had loved her strength and her chill, and Rinoa was nothing but a naïve child in comparison – a child weakened by ideals.

It took time compression and the terror she felt as she realized she might truly lose him for Shiva to see that her jealousy was hurting the both of them.

Too exhausted to keep his mental shields up, or perhaps too tired to care if they fell, Squall allowed her to know how guilty he’d felt over Seifer’s betrayal of Garden. Worry that he’d been responsible for his sometime friend’s desertion had grown into certainty as Shiva begun to pull away from him, proving that the old pattern of abandonment still held true.

The Guardian sunk into feelings of inadequacy, loss and guilt – feelings that weren’t hers. She did feel regret at what she’d done to her only love, and she covered his room in frost as he slept.

Squall would understand the frozen beauty.

      Barely cold in her grave
      Barely warm in my bed
      Settling for a draw tonight
      Puppet girl your strings are mine

When Squall woke, he blinked against the moonlight falling through the window, reflected again and again in frost until it seemed more day than night.

Reaching up with one trembling hand, he brushed the ice crystals in his hair. They were thicker, colder there than anywhere, and the difference made him smile. Shiva was back, not only an ally but also his companion, entwined with him as no one else would ever be.

Turning his attention inwards, he could feel her presence. The chill was welcome, spreading through him more soothingly than any heat, human or magical. Shiva’s cold was life to him and he was relieved to have it back. A smile softened his face as he sat up, studying her gift.

The frost was thin on the walls, an intricate pattern that had been scaled to suit the size of his room perfectly. The chair and desk were thickly covered, like trees in winter, the ice forming fragile shapes more complex than the thin spikes seen in nature.

Squall reached for her, feeling her stir and embrace him. She was somehow both inside and around him, her love like a caress that left no part of him untouched.

*My lover,* came the familiar, possessive thought, but it lacked the demand for acceptance that Shiva usually put into it.

Yes, Squall agreed, feeling her satisfaction. For the first time, that wasn’t enough. He needed something more, his thoughts forming a claim of his own. And you are mine.

Shiva’s embrace tightened, melding them even closer together as her answer swirled through them.

*Always.*

      This one is for you
      For you, only for you
      Just give in to it
      Never think again
      I feel for you

For a time, Shiva was perfectly happy to have her lover back, willingly and undoubtedly hers. That he had finally begun to not only accept but return her possessiveness assured her that he wouldn’t be parted from her again as long as he was alive. And when he died, she would still keep him.

For those first weeks, it was enough, but as the proverbial dust settled and everyday routine and boredom set in, she began to wonder if they were safe at Garden. The humans knew what junction usually did to their memories, and they couldn’t be at ease with Shiva’s constant connection with Squall. The fools never guessed that Guardians were perfectly capable of choosing where to burrow inside their hosts, leaving them with all important memories intact.

And as she feared, the request came for Squall to give her up and return her to Garden control. They wanted to junction her to a few newly promoted SeeDs who hadn’t really bonded with any of the other Guardians.

Shiva felt a surge of pride when her beloved calmly informed the insolent Headmaster that he didn’t believe that a fresh SeeD would be strong enough to be of any use to Shiva. That she had grown too much during the campaign against Ultimecia to allow them to junction her. That he was not willing to let her go unless she wished it.

The Headmaster – Shiva had never deemed his name important enough to learn – gave Squall one day to reconsider. The younger man accepted, even though his contempt easily flowed through their link. They needed the time to plan, not to change their minds.

Shiva certainly understood the importance of Squall’s refusal. Balamb Garden considered her their property, which was ridiculous, and Squall had denied them use of her. While she viewed it as protecting her rights as a sentient being, Garden would call it theft.

*Squall,* she said as soon as they were alone in his room, *I might know a way out for us.*

He lay back on the bed, looking at the peeling paint on the ceiling. It seemed it couldn’t handle the constant application and removal of frost, Shiva noted with some amusement.

Tell me, Squall urged.

*I’m afraid that he will ask his wife to draw me out, and she might be strong enough to do it. But if we were so closely bound, so blended into each other that we can’t be parted without harming you, Edea won’t allow it to happen.*

She waited as he thought it through. She was confident that he would agree, but she wondered if he would question her motives for asking. The timing certainly took the romance out of it. As unused as Shiva was to the concept, she knew it mattered to humans, and she would have liked to give it to Squall.

Show me how.

Squall’s reply soothed her; his voice more than the words. Rather than resignation, it held eagerness and the swirl of desire, admiration and love that was purely Squall.

*It’s not about taking,* Shiva whispered. *It’s about offering something of yourself and accepting a part of me in return. It’s the deepest act of trust.*

      This one is for you
      For you, only for you
      Just give in to it
      Never think again
      I feel for you

Squall sank into their link, letting go of the self-control that had been ingrained in him since long before he met the Guardian now nestled in his mind. He thought only of Shiva, of how beautiful she was, what she meant to him, how much he needed her. How much he loved her.

He offered her those thoughts and feelings, opened himself to accept her gift… And something happened.

Their connection widened, spread… Squall couldn’t find words to describe the feeling of contentment, of being whole, that filled him. He was cold, but it was the cold of ice, not of loneliness. It was like seeing his beloved touch a window, frost spreading outward in patterns that knew no symmetry but formed perfect harmony.

He could feel Shiva inside and around him, could feel pieces of them melding to become neither his nor hers. He was still Squall and she was still Shiva, but they were no longer only that. They were joined, inseparable.

Squall smiled.

Why did we wait so long? he asked dreamily.

Shiva’s tinkling laughter drew a heartfelt one from him. It felt good to laugh, something he could barely remember doing before, and it was even better to share it with another.

My other half…

For once, Squall felt perfectly safe and at home.

      This one is for you
      For you, only for you
      Just give in to it
      Never think again
      I feel for you

The next day Squall handed in his resignation. As Shiva had predicted, Edea was there when they arrived. While Cid stared at the paper in front of him, Edea kept her eyes on Squall.

“We should let them go,” she said.

“But Shiva is –”

“They are finally happy. We are not going to take that from them.” She smiled, and stood to embrace Squall. She looked into his eyes; eyes that were bluer than they used to be. “You’ve earned this, but I hope you’ll come back to visit us sometimes.”

With their heightened awareness of each other, Shiva didn’t feel jealous and Squall returned the embrace without hesitation. Edea’s touch didn’t burn them like ordinary humans did, and he was glad he could show his gratitude in such a simple way.

Cid sighed, and cleared his throat to gain their attention.

“Very well,” he said as he signed the resignation with a flourish. “I release you both from Garden service.”

I’m surprised he follows orders that well, Squall commented.

*Practice, my love,* Shiva said. *Years of practice.*

“Take care of each other,” Edea said, giving them another smile. “Go, and find your snow.”

Squall smiled back, shouldered his pack, gave her a mock salute, and did as he was told.