Jack O’Neill was not having a good day. He would even go so far as to say it was a bad day.
Granted, no one had gotten hurt – yet, a pessimistic inner voice muttered – and they hadn’t lost Daniel, but at the moment he would have preferred one of those problems. Those things happened, some more than others, and he knew how to deal with them.
Losing a stargate, on the other hand, presented him with difficulty.
It wasn’t like when the Nox cloaked their gate. They couldn’t camp at the site and hope someone would take pity on them and allow them to go home. No, some kind of blue light had swirled around them, and suddenly the forest around them was replaced by desert – despite the lack of gate-lag, Jack was tempted to think it was another planet.
He really hoped he hadn’t lost a whole planet.
Visions of being demoted – if they ever got back to Earth – and placed under some arrogant, humorless idiot’s command made him shudder.
It had taken them half an hour to reach the ruined city they were trudging through, and Jack was loathe to leave the only cover they had bee able to spot, but the remains didn’t provide much shade. They had made several stops so Carter could investigate strange items and Daniel could attempt to read what little writings they could find. Jack wanted to believe they would find a gate somewhere, but the grim expressions on Daniel and Carter’s faces were evidence enough that they believed their chances of returning to Earth were slim.
“Are yeh daft?”
All four turned toward the voice, startled by the sound. There had been no place for anyone to hide, but still the woman had managed to surprise them.
Catching sight of her – red-haired, fair-skinned, dressed in what resembled nothing so much as a purple leather bathing suit and odd bits of armor – Jack was convinced he was hallucinating. She couldn’t possibly have a tail, could she?
“I said, are yeh daft?” she repeated irritably. “If yeh’re that suicidal, there are better places ta die than Baator.”
“Is that the name of the city? Baator?” Daniel was itching for a notebook, but he felt Jack would disapprove of it.
“No.” The woman gestured toward the archway they’d been a few steps from. “That portal leads ta Baator, an’ they donnae take kindly ta humans there.” She gave them an appraising look, taking in their puzzled expressions. “Yeh’re clueless, the lot of yeh! How did yeh end up here?”
“We’re not sure,” Sam said. “We were hoping we could find someone who knew.”
It was a sign of her discomfort that she didn’t leave the answer to Jack.
The redhead just nodded. “There are too many portals leadin’ here, there are. I cannae tell which yeh came by, but I suppose I could help yeh find someone who does.” She scowled. “As soon as I find me partner.”
“Your… partner?” Jack asked, growing more and more suspicious.
“Damn skull is impossible ta find in an old battlefield.” She shrugged. “He’ll turn up. Yeh got the jink ta pay us?”
“What am I paying for?” Jack countered.
“We’ll find yeh someone who can take yeh back home, an’ keep yeh alive ‘til we do.”
“Five gold coins.”
The woman raised an eyebrow. “Five? Yeh couldn’t buy a Ward harlot for tha’, yeh couldn’t! Fifteen, an’ that’s only if they’re as large as ours.”
“Eight.”
She grinned, a glint of malice in her eyes. “I could leave yeh here. I know me way home.”
“Ten.” Jack shrugged off the inner voice that wondered if this really was the right time to barter. Of course it was. “After all, we have no way of knowing if you’re able to do it.”
The redhead’s tail – though furless – was lashing back and forth in a very feline manner. It didn’t distract any of the team from the strange blades the she had drawn from the holsters on her thighs. “I’m a fighter,” she said. “Been a mercenary for over five years, I have. An’ yeh certainly didn’t notice me pickin’ yer pockets as yeh passed me by.”
The three humans instantly searched their pockets while Teal’c – knowing he had nothing of value – kept his steady gaze on the odd woman. He was intrigued by her, never having heard of a people like her.
“You robbed us!”
How Jack could sound outraged over that in the middle of everything else, no one would ever know.
“I didn’t,” the woman protested. “I was just lookin’ ta see if yeh could pay me, I was.”
“We certainly can’t now!”
Sam was beginning to wonder why they didn’t even threaten to shoot the woman. They couldn’t kill their only chance at getting home, of course, but the arguing wasn’t getting them anywhere. Even if Jack seemed to enjoy it.
Holstering her blades, the redhead slipped off one strap of her backpack and pulled a few items from it. Throwing them back to their original owners, she grinned when Jack caught the considerably lighter coin pouch.
“I’m keepin’ twelve o’ those coins, I am. But that doesn’t include supplies for yeh, so yeh’ll keep quiet on how I get ‘em.”
Jack blinked. “You’re actually helping us?”
“Aye.” Some memory shadowed her eyes for a moment. “The clueless can be worth savin’, so I’ve seen.”
Daniel, deciding that some manners were in order, introduced the team. Their guide raised her eyebrows.
“Annah,” she said simply. “An’ if we ever find me partner, his name’s Morte.”
“Does he have a tail, too?” Jack asked.
Annah looked torn between amusement and annoyance. The amusement won and she grinned at him. “No. I cannae promise yeh’ll like him, but he’ll like yeh a lot, he will.” She tilted her head to one side, watching them watch her tail. “Yeh’ve never seen a tiefling before, have yeh?”
“A tiefling?” Daniel repeated.
“If that means a person with a tail, then no.”
Annah nodded at Jack. “Tails, claws, hooves, horns, fur – anythin’ that proves we’re plane-touched. Part-demons,” she added at their blank stares.
“Demons. Right. Of course. Why didn’t I think of that?”
Sam and Daniel traded worried glances. Jack losing either his temper or his hold of what little sanity he had would not be a good thing.
“I suggest we move on soon,” Teal’c said, his calm voice bringing some levity to the situation. “Our code will not be valid forever.”
And just like that, the levity was replaced by stress.
“That’s fine,” Annah cut in before any of the humans could reply. “I’ve got what me an’ Morte came for.”
Jack shifted slightly. “Where is this partner of yours?”
Taking a deep breath, she yelled, “If yeh want yer cut, yeh’d better get here now!”
“Alright, alright, I’m here,” a male voice said from behind them.
Teal’c and Jack turned to face the newcomer, and even Jaffa self-control faltered at the sight. A skull with eyes. Floating. In the air.
Jack swallowed.
It managed to look cheerful, too.
“Always a pleasure to do business,” the skull said. “You won’t regret it! I’m Morte.”
“Teal’c, am I the only one imagining there’s a skull talking to us?”
“I see him as well, O’Neill.”
Sam and Daniel turned as well, staring at Morte.
“How is that even possible?” Sam got a manical-scientist gleam in her eyes as she stepped forward. Jack grabbed her arm and pulled her back.
“This can’t be happening,” Jack said, trying to sound confident. “This is a mass hallucination. Skulls can’t talk, or fly, and they’re certainly not alive.”
“Oh, I’m dead,” Morte agreed, “sort of.”
“Maybe we should just leave ‘em, Morte? They seem barmy enough ta like it here.” Annah sounded bored.
Morte snorted – Jack tried hard not to think about how impossible it was to breathe when you didn’t have lungs – and floated to Annah’s side. “They’re harmless. I say we take their money, get them home, and spend all that lovely gold on Sensate chits.”
“Pikin’ skull!”
He barely dodged Annah’s attempt to stab him. “I’m just saying they’re good company, I wouldn’t take your share. Honestly, is that what you think of me? After all these years?”
Annah’s glare would have sent half of SGC running. “Wha’ I think is tha’ I’d pen yeh in the dead-book if yeh tried ta steal from me. An’ there’s no one here ta revive yeh if I did.”
“Could we get back on topic?” Morte sounded nervous. “Once we got them home, we could stock up and… and go kill a mage!”
Placated, Annah nodded. “We’re headin’ ta Sigil,” she informed the others, mostly for Morte’s benefit since he was the only one who knew what Sigil was. “Morte, keep ‘em together.”
The skull actually nodded, a small feat that made Sam desperate for a lab to lock him in. Everything about the odd character defied what she knew about physics, and she was unwilling to leave without any answers as to how his existence was possible.
“Can any of you fight?” Morte asked, leading the group a couple of yards behind Annah. He half-turned toward Teal’c, but kept moving. “You look like you can bash a man’s head in with that staff, but the rest of you don’t seem armed.”
Jack and Sam looked down at their MP5s, then back at Morte.
“What would you call this, then?” Sam asked before Jack could say something they’d all regret.
“Never seen anything like it.” Morte looked interested. “It’s a weapon?”
“You shoot people with it.”
“Without arrows? Neat.”
Annah glanced back. “I can smell death on Jack an’ the tall one. The other two aren’t fighters.”
Sam bristled, but Daniel was intrigued.
“I suppose you would call us scholars,” he said. “What did you mean about smelling death?”
“Some tieflings have better senses than humans,” Morte replied, sounding a bit uncertain. As if it wasn’t his place to discuss the fact. “Annah can smell and see a lot of things you don’t.”
“She sees a dagger in yer future if yeh donnae shut up,” Annah snapped. She knelt and studied the paved road. With her back to them, they weren’t able to see what she did, but Morte didn’t seem to find it odd.
When they started forward again, Jack whispered, “What did she do?”
“Disarmed a trap. Never go anywhere without a good thief or you’ll get killed before even meeting an enemy.”
SG-1 exchanged glances, and for once they were actually wondering the same thing.
What planet is this?